I know I'm not idealizing you, because I am and have idealized other people. It is not the same. I'm doing so much better now, though, regardless of what I have said, I am and as usual, will be, yours if you want, because you never forget the ones that get away.
**
I have always wanted to be apart of everything that kept us together, but I am, like I have said, only half of everything I've ever wanted to be. Perhaps, that was because I only wanted to be those things, so I could be as much a part of you as they are. So I could be as much a part of them as you are, but for some reason, things only revolve around you. Of course I got caught up in that, yet, I find that, the one time I put one of them before you, they are the ones who ended up fucking me. You, and they, are the reasons I've been second guessing all my friendships for the past six months and more.
**
All of you make me question who I am, I never know the answer. I feel like I am only made up of everything I think any of you have ever wanted me to be. Everything that I am, and the major things that make people hate me in the end, are just me building up for the inevitable self destruct. From our first conversation, I'm already eroding the foundation of whatever is beginning. It's shitty for me to be defined by who I am friends with, to lose friends for the same reason. Maybe all I'm really doing, is looking for someone to save. In all honesty, right now, I have more tattoos than I do friends--everyone else is just convenient for me to feel like I'm doing something more than listening to myself talk.

That's all this is anyway. When was the last time any of you started a conversation with me, when I wasn't talking about deleting, or including compliments for you in a post, or only commenting because I asked you to? I mean, that's okay, that's totally fine, the thing is, I want friends. Despite me feeling like I'm a horrible person, I think I actually am an okay friend. I just get so sick of one-sided situations and second guesses. The consistent people are sometimes never the people you expect; the funny thing about that is, the two people who I find always around if I need them are the reasons I made this journal. They are the two people who really got me into fiction, and livejournal, and yet, I'm not close to them at all. However, they have never failed me, and I have serious respect for both of you. I hope you know who you are...

I'm going to get in bed and think about Satarah and Jes and slumber parties and Elliott Smith and maybe for once I won't be so sad to wake up.